So there might be some question on what happened at the end of the year, after I got back from Florida and ALA in July.
Florida was great, and I had a wonderful time! Visiting the state was a blast and it was good to see Kara again. I met some wonderful authors and I picked up some books, and the vacation away from life was needed.I want to go to Chicago and visit ALA again, and I’m trying to make that happen.
But I dropped off the map for a while.
I disappeared. I stopped posting. I skipped out on a round of Story Sprites. I didn’t put together Blogger Trick or Treat. I didn’t put together the bookish shopping list in November. I lost interest in NaNoWriMo. I didn’t make a Thanksgiving Thankful list. I didn’t even read 50 books. Hell – I didn’t read ANY BOOKS in November.
So, what the hell, Lyn? What happened?
There were a number of things that occurred that I want to explain here, to sum up why I just fell off the blogging map at the end of 2016, each that contributed to the storm that broke at the end of last year:
When I returned from Florida, Kili wasn’t ok. He was stumbling all over the place. He just wasn’t himself. I took him to his vet, and I took him to another vet when they wouldn’t help him and blew off my concerns. He and I visited a surgeon when we thought he had a mass in his ear and then a neurologist. It took a month or so, but we found out Kili had FIP. Basically, he was slowly dying. I love my cats. Loki will always be my baby because he picked me out at the store (he reached for me out of the carrier, crying when I saw him at Petsmart). Kili and I had a bond as well. That cat loved me, and I loved him. He was everything I wanted in a cat. He was charming, cute, a bit bratty, smart, ditzy, and cuddly. I didn’t take his slow decline and his death in October well. It was the first major point that started sending me into a spiral that was hard to escape.
Yeah, I took the election in November hard. I turned into a ball of rage after the presidential election. I mean, full fledged, hardly could concentrate, hated the world loathing. I couldn’t hold in how mad I was, and I took to Twitter to emotionally vomit out my pain and fears. And then the idiots showed up. Then I got madder. It was a cycle that finally took the block button to temporarily fix.
While all of this was happening, work was getting worse. I was so unhappy, and there were no updates about my promotion. My supervisor was suddenly fired while I was waiting, and the other supervisor took over. I didn’t get along with my previous supervisor at times, but the other one was flat out HORRIBLE. She would pit people against one another just for the fun of it. My director was also leaving, and intended to do as much damage on her way out. They attempted to pile a bunch of new duties on top of what I already had, and I was fighting this battle every day while keeping my head above the water, when someone was throwing lead weights on top of me. It was horrible. I didn’t want to leave because I really wanted the spot that was open, but every day would leave me in tears.
I lost my motivation for blogging. I lost my way. I lost my purpose. Last year, we had a shift in the community. I’m not sure if we just had a new flock of bloggers come in, or if we lost some bloggers, or what exactly happened, but there was this subtle change, and the community isn’t the same. I have this overall feeling like I’m just visiting or that I’ve lost my place in it, like I’ve graduated high school and I’m coming back to visit. I was once comfortable, but now I have this gut feeling that I’m out of my element. I’m certainly not pointing fingers. Maybe people are tired of my flakiness. Maybe I’m not that fun, or not that interesting, or maybe I’m just not the same person I once was. I also believe that I’m not evolving with the hobby, which just happens when life starts running you down. I don’t want to booktube, since I am scared to death of getting in front of a camera, so that leaves me a bit old fashioned.
I’m certainly the worst when it comes to reviews, and I have always looked for an alternative to reviewing, but I have yet to find one. Review writing is my not my strength. I have a hard time finding motivation, and I really wish I knew how to talk about books without reviewing them, while still promoting books. Maybe the break will help me find motivation and that spark again. Maybe I’ll start writing them and find that love again. Maybe I’ll just do Powerpoint presentations and hope for the best.
The point is, I’m struggling more than ever to understand how I fit in here while still doing what I love – sharing my obsessions with books! Maybe the inspiration will come.
Overall, it was depression that took me down. This was a “flare up” that was stronger than I was. I’m not good about sharing my anger and sadness with others on an intimate level. I wish I was. I have people around me that push for me to open up when I get depressed and let it go, but I just can’t. I want to. But I tend to pull into myself and shut down. I wish I could DM someone and just let it out, but I get the words caught in my throat and in my chest I can’t find them.
The depression won over my life and I ended up not caring about anything. Not about my weight loss, or reading books, or watching TV. I stopped caring about everything, except raging on Twitter.
So that’s what happened. My life turned to hell and I stopped reaching out to people because every day I wanted to just disappear.
I finally moved up professionally (without the awesome pay raise I thought I was getting, grrrrr, but baby steps! At least I love what I do), I’m trying to do more on Twitter, I’m commenting on blogs, slowly, but I am responding! I am planning the Valentine Blind Book Date giveaway and we have a new Story Sprites round. I have a new kitten named Raiden, a baby that was left behind by his momma. I’m getting more involved in my local politics and donating to causes to help counter some of the damage that is coming. I’m going to also try some new blogs and I also am wearing a fancy new Fitbit to help get back on track.
Overall, I’m trying to undo months of damage. I hope that in the future, I can try a little better to work through my problems instead of pulling back into my shell and dropping off the map. I know I damaged some friendships, but it isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.
So here I am, Blogging Lyn 2.0 I hope 2017 helps me find my way in this new community. Cheers!
P.S. Here is a picture of Raiden and Loki, so this ends on a good note. 🙂