I have a wee little issue called social anxiety. I’ve already gone running to Kara many time over my soon-to-be freakout at BEA. I hardly leave the house unless I need to go shopping or get a cupcake. If a store is crowded, I tend to vacate the area at warp speed. I like to hide in big clothing and I hate to draw attention to myself. I’d rather go shopping or to the movies by myself. I’m a loner who will likely end up dying with 50 cats. I’m okay by myself.
This, needless to say, places a damper on love and dating.
When girls enter into middle school, they tend to start looking for their romantic partners. I can recall how uncomfortable I felt with the idea of something holding my hand, or kissing me, or always hanging around me. It grew worse as I ventured into young adulthood. I was scrambling for a boyfriend, but deep down, I never wanted it to really happen. I just wanted to be accepted. Slowly, I found that a person who remains single for a long period of time is often shunned by his or her peers.
I’ve never dated. I never had anyone love me. I’ve developed crushes and I am fond of certain people, but I just wanted them near. This might seem sad, but I’m okay with this, because this is just who I am. Most people believe that asexual people are suffering from hormonal issues, and sometimes, this is the case. However, I have always held this feeling in my heart that romance and a intimate relationship would not be for me.
People often talk about gay and lesbian people coming to terms with their orientation. In a way, I can identify with the community. I feel that I always have to hide my sexual orientation from others. I know my coworkers often gossip behind my back about my lack of dating. When I was previously employed in an office job, word got back to me that everything thought I was gay, and was just too afraid to admit it. I was shunned and highly disliked (I worked in a conservative company – yikes). When people ask to set me up, I usually tell them that I am not ready for a relationship.
At one time, I blamed it on my looks. When I say this, I’m trying to be honest: I’m not winning any beauty contests. I still hate my nose and I wish I had a different body type. Over the years, I learned that people are not so hung up on looks. There are a percentage of people who want a “hot” date or a “smoking good looking” spouse, but there is a large percentage who strive for something more. Someone who makes them happy. I dismissed this idea as I aged.
I would like to point out that asexuality comes with different labels, such as aromantic asexuals, who tend to avoid romance alltogether. Some asexual people will form a strong bond with other people, but never move into the romantic part of the relationship. I don’t condemn romance. I find Chris Hemsworth a very attractive individual. I like to look at him, a lot. But I don’t feel the urge to make him my “boyfriend” or my husband. It would be fine to stare at him, but I don’t want him to hug me. In this regard, I’m always unsure what label to apply to my own asexuality. Some might call it demiromantic. I also tend to lean towards attraction to men. However, it is just a label, and sometimes, you cannot label who you are or what you feel. You just are this person with a complicated identity. When it comes to writing, I still use romance in my own stories, because I still like to be loved, and I love people in return.
Why am I writing this? I suppose I feel that it is an important part of who I am, and I wish to share that I use to be very lost and angry and confused that I could never tell people what I was feeling. I write this because so many of us struggle with our own identity, whether it be sexual, cultural, or gender-related. I write this because sharing is the best way to come to terms with who you are.
I hope all of you receive the love you believe you deserve.